I crawled into bed last night happily exhausted and looking forward to a peaceful night filled with marshmallow palace dreams snuggled under my beloved “woobie” when I felt a stinging sensation on my right side where my arm meets my back. Alarmingly, it seemed to be MOVING and growing in intensity. I was irritated because not only was it uncomfortable, it was chasing away my marshmallow kingdom! I flopped over and asked Jake to scratch my back hoping it would remedy my discomfort.
Sidebar: A co-worker once told me the story of how he was bitten by a black widow. He unknowingly laid on her when getting into bed! She lived long enough to bite him and he was asleep before he could realize it. When he finally woke he was rendered incapable of seeking aid. It was nearly two days before a concerned friend broke into his house and took him to the hospital. The doctor told him how lucky he was because he had crushed the widow with his slumbering body (or she would have repeatedly bitten him) and because his friend broke in to rescue him. The doctor jokingly urged him to not be angry at his friend for the broken window. SO, this story terrifies me and has become a semi-secret phobia of mine!
Unfortunately, the pain was increasing in severity and images of a sinister black widow biting my flesh swam in my head. I couldn’t take it! I broke and asked Jake to look at my back. He climbed out of bed, turned on the lights, and took a gander at my back. Upon his suggestion, I went to look in the mirror fully expected to see venom tracers spreading out from a grotesque mound of scarlet flesh.
Much to my surprise, all I saw were several small bumps that resembled razor burn. Jake called to me from the bedroom and announced he had found my assailant! It was a run-of-the-mill previously angry now dead black ant! It wasn’t a black widow, an entire ant hill, a fire ant or even a genetically altered ant (I was hoping to at least wake up and lift objects fifty times my weight but I failed the vehicle lift test miserably). It was just an angry ant.
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3 comments:
Dearest Friend,
I am happy to hear that the reason for your discomfort was merely that of an ant. Miserable creatures. I will send my attendant along with a vile of my most powerful medicines to clear up these most intrusive marks on your person. Do not worry, since the last vile I sent you, and once again I beg for your forgiveness in the turning of your bottom to a sailor man, I have become much more advanced in my mixings and makings. The medicines found in the vile have been tried and tested on the goats in my fields and have been very successful in riding ant bites. I am glad you are not hurt in any serious way. Well, I must be off, the moon is rising fast and I must pick the sea pond ferns at exactly midnight or my medicines for curing wrinkles, moles, and itchy elbows will not work correctly. Till we meet again my brave friend...avoid the ants!
Ask Gabe. Ant bites are not as innocent as they may seem. I'm glad you are okay! But seriously, keep an eye on it.
Pssh, ants are so overrated. We should just get rid of them all. Who invited them to American anyways?
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